Sanctuary Starts Here: Declutter the Bedroom First
A lot of minimalism & simplicity experts advocate for decluttering in the kitchen & living room first because these are high-traffic areas where everyone spends a lot of time & they can easily get out of hand if you don’t keep on top of them.
This is exactly why I advocate for NOT starting with those spaces.
Busy rooms require constant upkeep. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for getting them in order. It makes the most visual impact & maybe even the most functional impact to daily life. But you get the biggest payoff in the bedroom (that’s what she said 🤭).
Here’s why:
Reason #1: You don’t exist for anyone else’s benefit.
Women are taught to believe that their value comes from making sure everyone else is always comfortable & happy (even at their own expense). But unless you’re the only adult living with kids who are physically incapable of helping, there’s no reason you need to be the one managing these spaces. Society tells us, explicitly & implicitly, that as the “woman of the house” we need to do it all.
To be a “good” woman, we’re supposed to work (or make up for not working by doing 7x as much as anyone else at home), be the primary parent, cook, clean, do laundry, take care of the pets, maybe even care for aging parents, & be damn grateful to do it all thanklessly. Even if you feel crushed under the weight of all this, don’t forget to put up a post about how #blessed you are so that your friends, family, & people you haven’t talked to in 20 years can judge if you’re doing it right. If no one has any suggestions for improvement, you’re allowed to take some time for yourself. (If they do, you better get going on that…)
We’ve heard that message our entire lives - but that doesn’t make it true! You might want to do some (or all!) of these things & there’s nothing wrong with that either. But doing them unintentionally, subconsciously believing it proves your value, will always backfire. Because:
You don’t control whether anyone (even your child) feels comfortable, happy, or any other emotion. Feelings are caused by thoughts. The feelings anyone around you experiences are based on their perceptions & interpretations, which you have no control over (or responsibility to change).
Everyone has a different definition of what happy & comfortable means. You can’t guarantee that you’re meeting everyone’s standards at all times. That’s not a failure on your part. That’s just a function of “happy”, & “comfortable” being subjective.
Your value is constant & independent of any action you take. Just like the laws of physics don’t change based on anyone’s belief in their validity, your value doesn’t change based on anyone’s opinion of you or your choices. Doing or not doing household chores? Taking or not taking the lead on parenting, cleaning, cooking, bill paying, organizing? Someone else feeling an emotion they don’t like? None of that has any bearing on your value. Your worthiness as a human is indestructible, regardless of any criticism or doubt about it (even your own).
Reason #2: Safety promotes peace.
Having a home that feels easy is only available if it first feels safe. The reality is that you can’t sustainably devote energy to love, self-esteem, achieving goals, or pursuing your deeper purpose until your desire for security is satisfied.
We often think of security as having financial stability, good health, & supportive family & friends. Those things are important. But what about emotional security?
When you are at your wit’s end (for instance, maybe your toddler is losing her mind because it’s time to turn off the movie she’s seen 6,452 times 🙄) there is nothing like being able to escape to your calm quiet bedroom, curl up in a soft fluffy blanket, put in your headphones, & take a time out for yourself.
Just 5 minutes (especially if you use it intentionally coaching yourself on your thoughts) can get you from wanting to throw the TV out the window to being collected, centered, & ready to re-engage without making it a battle.
When you show up for yourself, it allows you to show up differently with your kiddo too.
You can go back out & hear her, show her that her feelings are important (even though the TV still gets turned off) instead of shutting her down because you feel like you’re on the verge of losing it yourself. You get to teach her that supporting yourself matters AND show her how to do it. You provide evidence for yourself that you are already the mom you want to be, even if it doesn’t always look perfect. And you feel f*cking amazing about that.
The beautiful thing about prioritizing your own needs is that you get double the reward. It lets you show up in a way that feels aligned AND it makes safety & calm more accessible to those around you (which was half the goal to begin with!).
Let me be clear, you can’t “make” anyone feel secure - because other peoples’ feelings are only created by their thoughts. But what do you imagine leads to more security for your kids? Having a tidy living room? Or having a mom that doesn’t react unpredictably?
Learning to respond to your own emotional needs instead of trying to maintain impossible socially driven standards of perfection is what alleviates the constant undercurrent of resentment, frustration, & overwhelm.
You’re human. You’re going to feel feelings - even uncomfortable ones & ones you would prefer not to have. But none of them are “bad”. They give you so much information if you’re willing to listen. What is your frustrated self asking for?
Reason #3: You deserve to be more than an afterthought.
If you only give your own space your leftover attention & energy, it either won’t get done or it’ll be a half-hearted effort. Because (at least if you’re like me), you don’t have anything “leftover” at the end of the day. You’re busy, with a full life, & a lot on your plate. Even if you’re happy with everything you’re doing & being intentional with your time, it still takes energy.
Creating a haven for yourself is one of the most powerful acts of self-love there is.
You can transform how you experience your entire life if you have even one space that feels restorative, nurturing, & soothing. A place that reminds you that your wants & needs matter. That supports you in being more of who you want to be.
That is true self-care.
To get started:
Focus on the floor first. Clutter here is the most distressing for your brain, which is constantly scanning for threats (to do its job & keep you alive!). It’s way more freaked out by the imaginary poisonous snake hiding in that pile of laundry in a dark corner than the one under the jumble of jewelry on the top of your well-lit eye-level dresser.
Next, focus on the biggest surface areas like your bed, dresser surfaces, & nightstands to create as much visual simplicity as possible. Even if all that’s available to you right now is to temporarily relocate items, I encourage you to do that. Remember, we’re going for a peaceful retreat!
Your brain will try to distract you with thoughts about decluttering other areas, clearing space for the relocated items, etc. Do not cave! It’s important to focus on one area at a time. A calm bedroom is what allows you to have energy for other areas later. This foundation makes the rest so much easier (both the actual rest - as in sleep - & the rest of your decluttering).
Don’t stress the drawers or the closet right now. In my experience, there are a TON of thoughts about our clothes/size/body that hang us up with closet decluttering. Save these “hidden” spaces for Round 2 after the visually obvious has been taken care of.
Strategically deferring the more challenging spaces also helps you build confidence & practice your decluttering skills, allowing you to work through those complex areas with less stress when the time comes.
I hope you’re feeling inspired to prioritize this space, & yourself! Having a retreat truly does change everything.
