The Expectations that are Sabotaging Your Progress

Picture it, your house, last Saturday: A rare opportunity when everyone was out & your schedule was empty for the next few hours. You stood in front of your closet, ready to tackle the decluttering project that’s been on your mind for weeks. Today is the day you finally get your life under control!! 💪🏼

You threw open the door and…reality hit you in the face - literally. A mountain of laundry mocking you from the closet floor. Ugh. Better throw that in first. 

On your way to the washer, you walked through the kitchen. The carnage of the breakfast rush on every surface hollered a LOUD reminder that the work never really ends. There was no way you’d be able to focus on decluttering until this was at least not looking like a disaster.

As you started to pull things back together, you found the toys you confiscated from your toddler (who loves when their Little People swim in their milk…). You decided to take a few seconds to run them back.

You walked into their room and… 😱 You could hardly even tell where anything belongs anymore! You try to let them be responsible for their own room, but this is ridiculous. The impulse to bring order to the chaos was too strong. You rolled up your sleeves & started organizing.

Before you knew it, the hours had flown by, the family was back, & that closet of yours was still in the exact state it was that morning (minus Laundry Mountain, which was now clean but piled on the bed instead of the floor…& still mocking you).

Inside, you scream “WHY does this happen EVERY! SINGLE! TIME!?” 😫

It’s not your fault, mama. I’ve been there, too. So has every other woman I know. Society teaches us that it’s selfish & wrong to think about yourself until everyone else is taken care of, & that your worth is measured by the completeness of your to-do list & the tidiness of your home.

While you might consciously say your value has nothing to do with any of those things, your subconscious hasn’t gotten the message. Because it’s absorbed information directly & indirectly your entire life that has taught it the only way you have value is when you perform adequately (i.e. meet social expectations).

It’s also picked up on the never-ending list of all the ways you’re supposed to do that. Be confident - but don’t think about yourself too much. Be smart - but don’t threaten anyone with your intelligence (& decide now if you want to be smart OR attractive because you can’t be both). Speak up - but don’t be too loud or opinionated. Be a strong leader - but don’t be bossy & make sure everyone is always happy with you. Mom like you have no other responsibilities - but don’t let anything else slip through the cracks either.

When you haven’t done the work of debugging your brain, these words are playing through your mind in your own voice. They sound totally logical & true.

That it’s your job to keep the house clean. That you’re f*cking up as a mom if your kids' rooms are messy or they don’t eat their veggies. That your desires are a luxury that can wait until all this other stuff is done.

Those thoughts will inevitably take over. We know this is true because the cycle has kept playing out every time you try to declutter no matter how many different tips, tricks, or solutions you’ve tried.

These messages are so ingrained & insistent that you don’t even realize they’re taking over until you’ve sacrificed all your “me” time to these other tasks & are left wondering what just happened to your entire day.

And even if you’re aware that these tasks aren’t what you want to be doing, you feel like you can’t stop yourself from doing them. That’s the power of your subconscious socialization.

But when performing to others’ expectations is the only way you know how to feel good, you know what you’re gonna do? Keep performing to others’ expectations!

It feels good because it feels safe. Your brain believes it’s what keeps you from disappointing anyone, being rejected, or being abandoned. All things that, in the caveman days, were a death sentence. Maybe there was even a time in your own life when meeting those expectations kept you from being hurt (emotionally or physically).

Your desire for safety is innate - it exists in every human from birth. In fact, the root of almost all the traumas I’ve ever treated as a therapist could be traced back to the absence or loss of safety.

It’s so very normal for your brain to seek out that feeling & take the actions it thinks will produce it. Even if your logical brain has another agenda, the part of your brain responsible for your survival will always win out.

This is why mindset work is crucial & why CLEAR is so different. It focuses specifically on giving you the tools you need to shift your mindset radically & end this pattern for good.

It gives you the roadmap to create your own security & stability - so you can set decluttering goals that align with how you want to be living - not the rules that society has set for you.

And so you can get out of your own way to make them happen!

What would your life look like 6 months from now if you knew how to get your brain on board & stop letting your subconscious dictate your progress?

A life lived on your own terms, free from endless multitasking & spinning out in stress is 100% achievable.

You just have to be willing to take the first step.

Prioritize yourself. That’s what makes everything else possible.